The Undead Manifesto

Dear Humanity,

We really should have said something when the movies first started. The video games should have been yet another time we spoke out. Then the books started, and still we said nothing.  But we zombies have finally had it up to here with all the negative stereotypes and it's time we cleared a few things up with those of you amongst the living. Naturally we thought a video might be more appropriate in this day and age of the internet, but the obvious speech impediments we suffer from make vocal communication something of a chore.  For that same reason, radio broadcasts were a dead end too, finally we settled on a written missive, but that in and of itself, even if we could speak in a manner you would find comprehensible, dictating it was impossible because any attempt to offer one of you the prestigious opportunity to have first actual contact with zombies resulted in you fleeing in terror. So finally, we managed to get our decaying hands on a laptop, and we bring to you, six clarifications we feel are most pressing to inform the masses of the living of.

First and foremost, there is no "impending" zombie apocalypse, we're here already. Don't panic, we really have no interest in taking over the world of the living, we normally wouldn't bother informing you of our existence, but we've noticed a disturbing trend in your fictional accounts of zombies and that is the fact that the moment you glimpse even the smallest sign of zombies, the entire world grinds to a halt, panicked food store buyouts, doomsday priests, hordes of sanitary mask wearing hypochondriacs appear as if some switch was flipped. Really there's no need to panic, we don't make a habit of trudging down your streets in broad daylight but even so, sometimes we like to get out when the weather's nice, we just don't think there needs to be a worldwide consternation at the sight of us.

Secondly, we don't like the thought of eating people any more than most of you do. We aren't sure where this even started but we certainly don't eat people. Yes, chasing one of you down a darkened avenue is fun but it's mostly for sport and exercise. In all honesty we racked our brains (get it?) and we couldn't come up with something we DO eat, being that we're dead, we tend not to get hungry. Sure, cheeseburgers strike our fancy now and again but we rarely if ever indulge in any sort of eating because for us it's no longer a necessity. Even if we were to get hungry, it wouldn't be for the flesh of living people, I mean really? That's the best you can come up with for us to crave? Would YOU eat zombies? Didn't think so, it's awfully high and mighty of you to think the one thing we want above all others is to gorge ourselves on you lot. Also, even if we were aggressive individuals prone to attacking living things, our bites wouldn't convert the attacked into another zombie, it's a popular misconception that that is how we grow in numbers but we can explain more on that later.

Which brings us to this point and request, please drop the term "the infected" too politically correct AND too inaccurate, we prefer "zombies" or "the undead". We don't suffer from some virus or disease; it would be a lot easier to explain if we did. Sometimes, when a person dies they come back as a zombie. Since the dawn of time that's how it works and trust me, we've spent plenty of time trying to find out why it happens to some and not to others, to no avail. But we certainly do not have some sort of affliction. I know, it probably is a method to help explain away some of the harsher truths of dying which I know is a burdening subject to mortal species like you. I don't remember being human but I do know it constantly bothers me as to when I myself will cease to be again, we zombies have something of a limited life expectancy as well, we just collapse and cease moving once our time is up. You would think the knowledge that you've already died once would be a great relief, but finding out you're going to die again takes the rush away.
There's plenty of things we zombies are but not found under that list is mindless horde. Sure we like company from time and again, but we enjoy alone time too. Yes sometimes staring off into the distance is a nice time for some quiet reflection, but we like deep thinking as well. We're portrayed as far too simple creatures, if there's anything that really gets to us, it's the thought we're all mindless cannibals. We even are a little artistic, it's hard to make any sort of deep profound visual art but if you should catch a group of us on the move, you might see some very subtle choreography. It's not the ballet by any means but it gives us something to do when going from place to place. The point we're really trying to get at here is the fact that we're not so unlike when it comes to intellect and social dispositions, it's a hard idea to grasp, seeing as we're not able to do much more than groan and shamble but certainly if you did more besides scream or shoot at the sight of us, you might be pleasantly surprised at the result.

Something that came out of our discussions was we wanted to let you know, we're planners. Not only was writing this a result of being tired of the negativity revolving around zombies, but also from wanting to be sure that if we should have an encounter, you will be better educated as to what we're really like. We keep to ourselves in the woods and try to only move at night if we desire a change of scenery, so we keep tabs on where you travel most at night, where are popular camp sites, and heavily populated parking lots for couples leaving high school dances. We stay away from those places, mostly for our peace of mind, the movies show how quickly you lose your minds over zombies being real so we would hate to see how the revelation we actually exist would affect you. Amongst our own discussions we stress above all else making sure you feel secure in the idea that zombies are at the very least docile, neutral, or even amicable. It's true we won't be able to communicate vocally or form great and lasting partnerships, but maybe we can work our way to where a sighting of us is similar to the suburban sighting of forest wildlife, more an event for fascination as opposed to fear.

Finally and our greatest point we want to get across, we zombies are hopeful. Our lifespans aren't long but through the ages it has been repeated again and again as to humans' ability to overcome great obstacles, hate being one of the greatest ones. It took some time but more and more people are putting hate of anyone or anything and leaving those who cling to it as am often silent minority. We aren't gullible enough to believe this missive is going to change anything overnight, but we feel this is a first step we, being the supposed aggressors in this situation. Don't try and respond to this, we don't have a return address; we're going to leave this at a coffee shop, which seems to be a main gathering place for people to discuss ideas. We will ask one favor though, educate others and make copies, we could only get enough printer paper for this one.

Yours Sincerely,
The Zombies